Let the mind games begin. When I started trying to lose weight I wondered how long it would take before someone would notice the changes. Since I have a lot to lose I knew it would take a while before anyone would say anything. I was really looking forward to the time when it would become apparent that I was losing weight.
Time marched on and the pounds started to disappear a little at a time. Before long people started asking how much weight I’d lost and what I was doing to make it happen. I was absolutely thrilled for my hard work to be showing enough for others to notice, for a short minute.
You’d think having someone notice would fuel the fire and the numbers would move in a quick downward spiral. Losing the extra pounds would just continue to happen. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. Having people notice has turned into a big roadblock.
As I have pondered my feelings, I think there are some things going on inside myself that I need to deal with to be able to truly move forward at the pace I’d like. I’ve been thinking about the following questions.
Why does having people notice me cause me anxiety?
I think the anxiety comes from being judged. While I was growing up I heard some pretty rude comments. Some of these comments came from strangers and others came from family members and friends. I think somehow I have come to feel that if no one notices me, they won’t judge me.
What am I hiding from?
I’ve discovered I’m hiding from being noticed. If I don’t get noticed I avoid all kinds of rude comments, and if I lose weight maybe I’m afraid people will attack the part of me that’s been hiding behind my weight for so long.
Is my weight protecting me from something?
Right now a picture came to my mind of a soldier covered with a suit of armor. That’s all I can see is the armor. There’s no face to the person, just metal. I can’t see the person and I can’t get close enough to get to know who is really in that suit of armor. In some ways I think that’s how I subconsciously perceive how the weight I carry protects me. It keeps me from getting to close to anyone.
Why do I have this weird feeling of missing the weight I’ve lost?
At first I wondered if that was what I was really feeling, but after answering the three previous questions it’s clear to me that I’m not really missing the weight itself, just the protection I perceive it gives me.
Am I betraying myself by losing weight?
I have a little rebellious streak in me, and I remember thinking, “I’ll prove fat people can do anything thin people can do!” When I made this proclamation it didn’t sink in to me that I had to continue to be a fat person to prove this statement to be true. By losing the weight I will no longer be a fat person! That’s who I’ve always been.
Am I more than my weight?
When I wrote, “That’s who I’ve always been.” I realized I am so much more than that, and need to focus on who I truly am. Yes I carry around extra weight, but I am also caring, honest, a hard worker, funny, talented, a good wife and mother, and a whole lot more. Why would I just think of myself as a fat person? I’m guessing because that’s what people comment on.
Why have I let what other people think become so important?
I think self worth has a lot to do with this. When you don’t feel good about yourself you trust what others think more than what you think yourself. I cannot tell you how many times I have stepped in after people have disappeared from my life and continued to tell myself the rude things they told me. It is really my job to shut those voices up instead of joining in with them.
Am I going to let these mind games stop me?
I am not going to give in to all these thoughts, conscious and subconscious. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am, and I have so far to go to reach my goal of losing 100 pounds. I don’t have anything to gain by giving up or listening to all these thoughts.
I think the hardest thing about this journey is to keep my head in the game. When it is in the game, I’m unstoppable. When it isn’t I am at a dead stand still. If you get to a place where things seem hard, take time to write down a few questions and dig deep to answer them. This has been a really good exercise for me because I have learned things I didn’t know about myself and this journey. So, let’s keep moving forward.
Let’s do this together! We’ve got this!